I have been hurt!

My husband of 18 months cautiously said, “Beks, I need to tell you something”. I could tell it was something serious. I braced myself. He continued, “I haven’t been completely honest with you. I’m sorry but…”
 

We’d been a couple for over six years. We had a one year old daughter. I thought we had a great relationship. I was completely unprepared for what followed. I became aware in that moment that, quite opposite from having the open and honest relationship I thought we had, ours had been most certainly ‘less-than’ all God wanted for us.

My husband begun to confess to things he’d done, before we were married, things that he shouldn’t have done; conversations he’d had that he shouldn’t have had; situations he’d been in that he shouldn’t have been in. He asked for forgiveness. I had many questions. We had entered the “tunnel of chaos”. It was messy. It was ugly. But it was worth it.

I’ve been hurt. You’ve been hurt. It’s part of life. 

Bill Hybels talks about how we all desire truly authentic relationships; “relationships where we know and are known, we love and are loved, we celebrate and are celebrated, we serve and are served”. However most of us, if we are honest, have at least one relationship in our life that could be better described as ‘Pseudo’. Pseudo relationships are where we “tolerate each other, we accommodate each other, and we settle for sitting on the unspoken matters that separate us”. 
 

We settle for pseudo instead of demanding the real deal for one simple reason: fear. 

“What if raising the issue actually make things worse?” we think. “What if bringing this up only ends up ruining the relationship?”

My husband had the option to keep things hidden. I had no idea about what had gone on and there’s every chance he could have got away with me never knowing the truth. However, he wanted a genuine relationship. One based on honesty. So, he overcame his fear and took a risk. He told me the truth.

It’s not always the person who has done the wrong that needs to start the conversation. Sometimes it’s the person who has been hurt that needs to find the courage to enter the tunnel of chaos.
 

Bill Hybels’ teaching is in line with Jesus’ teaching.
In Matthew 18:15 Jesus teaches how we are to respond when people hurt us. He says, “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.”
 

We are not to talk about the person behind their back, but we are to go directly to them. We also can’t just ignore the issue or “sweep it under the carpet”.

Similar teaching is given when we know that someone has something against us.
In Matthew 5:23-24 Jesus teaches that if you “remember that someone has something against you, … Go and be reconciled to that person.”
 

The teaching is clear, whether someone has hurt us or we have hurt them, it is our responsibility to go to the person and try to be reconciled. And it may not be a “big sin” or something intentional that has caused the hurt. It may have been something said or done unintentionally. It may be something said casually. It could be a family member who has said something harsh; a friend who has been critical; a colleague who has been rude. There may be a genuine misunderstanding. But whether it’s an intentional or unintentional hurt, sometimes it does seem easier to ignore the hurt or the misunderstanding and pretend it didn’t happen. Other times grace truly does cover a hurt and we are able to keep the friendship or relationship without a confrontation. 
However, in order to have true genuine relationships, we must be willing to go further than simply maintaining peace in our relationships.
So, when the hurt doesn’t go away, it’s time to have the hard conversation. If you don’t, then as Bill Hybels says, “the wedge that has come between you will go deeper and the friendship will drift apart and will eventually end.” It’s just what happens.

The only way to take the relationship to the place it’s meant to be, is to go through the tunnel of chaos. 
Entering the tunnel means being willing to have a conversation that sounds a little like this: “This is not easy to talk about but I value our relationship and am committed to it. Can we talk about such and such? I think we’ve lost our way. I said this. You said that. It felt like you meant this. I meant that.”

Bill Hybels says that being committed to entering the tunnel of chaos whenever God prompts is one of the truest tests of character and love. It tells the other person that you really care. That you’re willing to make yourself vulnerable because you value the relationship.
And when you make it to the other side something incredible happens:  your relationship grows to a new place of authenticity that you can’t achieve if you always say the “nice” things and always steer away from the hard conversations.

My husband and I couldn’t be living the life we are living and doing the things we are doing if he hadn’t been willing to have that hard conversation with me. I’m so grateful he had the courage to go there.
If we are to be obedient to Christ (and let’s remember that obedience to Christ is the true test of our love for Him and our faith in Him) then we must go and do our part to be reconciled to those who have hurt us and those we have hurt. 
 

Have you been hurt? Have you hurt someone? Is there a wedge in your relationship? Give them a call; ask if they would be open to talking. Enter the tunnel. Trust that you will come through the other end with the relationship you desire deep down. An authentic relationship.

Rebekah Moa - Equippers Gisborne
Rebekah is a full-time mum to five children. She has been married 14 years and is passionately committed to seeing marriages thrive. Rebekah loves her God, her family and her church. She devotes her time to serving them. Relationships are Rebekah's priority. Seeing relationships healed and whole is what drives her. She sees God as a God of reconciliation and hopes that her life is used by God to bring hope and reconciliation to those around her.